乖巧乖张以至于乖戾

《9999滴眼泪》推荐序：给九十岁的你 　　　　

　　　　文 / 刘若英 　　　　

　　　　很久不见了，我不会自讨没趣的问你最近好不好，因为你的答案总是「活着吧！」在这个不耻「冷笑话」的年代，还能坚持这么幽默的冷言冷语，你应该也算奇葩。 　　　　

　　　　我想即使到了九十岁，你应该还是跟现在一样，像个长不大的小老头，有点愤世嫉俗，满头银发，却还穿着短裤拖鞋自以为游走在不知名的星球吧。 　　　　

　　　　还记得你早当年奋力写书的模样，在光复南路的一家小店里，一壶茶，一包烟，握着笔一个一个字的写下。然后固定在傍晚时，身为助理的我去接你，前往录音室，再帮你把一张张的文字打进计算机里……这样的画面，好像是陈年旧事，也彷佛是历历在目的昨天。 　　　　

　　　　自从你传讯息来要我写序之后，我就陷入恐慌，这怎么写啊？我们之间说什么都是多余的。或者就像你说，你决不再为我写歌，因为你已不懂我。我想，可能我早也不懂你了。而这些不懂其实才是真懂得。然而我只要求，如果这序真能帮你多卖两本书，下次我出书时，你也欠我一篇序。 　　　　

　　　　有时我很恨，为什么我的人生到现在还必须跟你的名字扯在一起，但也许我应该感恩，像「奶茶」这样的名字，也只有你想得出来。朋友从西藏回来，说我的歌大街小巷听的到，因为高原同胞天天要喝奶茶，赞叹我的名字取的好。（很冷，但这绝对不是笑话。） 　　　　

　　　　某些人，在你的生命中经过，留下痕迹，有些是鲜明彩色，有些是灰暗黑白，奇怪的是，不管什么时候的你，都让人觉得既极端又模糊。长时间跟你共事的我，清楚知道你是故意的，而且乐此不疲。离开你的人离开了你，因为知道你是故意的;留在你身边的人留下来，因为清楚你乐此不疲，但是没有一点心机。 　　　　

　　　　大多数人都只看见你放荡不羁，自我中心。这我倒可以帮你澄清。如果你真只是他们想的那样，你不会十数年孜孜不倦，笔耕写歌。如果你真是那样的，不可能长久维持平静而甜美的家庭生活。想起有一天你喝醉了，我开着车送你跟箫言中回家，途中，你突然惊醒大叫，要言中去便利商店买两颗茶叶蛋跟一个三明治。言中问你：「阿升，你还吃得下吗？」你迷蒙中回答：「夫人交代，买回去给儿子的早餐。」那个倜傥潇洒的陈升不见了，这一个陈升有些扫兴，但这才是你最应该引以为傲的陈升！ 　　　　

　　　　你的确在我生命中扮演了很多角色，我爸爸说了，你住院那时，某个黄昏他独自去看你，坐在病床边，只跟你说了一句：「谢谢你代替了我的角色，比起我，你更是一个称职的父亲。」 　　　　

　　　　你最爱问我：「你快乐吗？」在我离开新乐园后的第一张唱片完成时，我拿着热腾腾的新歌要你听，电话里的你说：「我不用听，你只告诉我，唱这些歌，你快乐吗？如果快乐，那就够了！」我知道你是故意的，是老招。但到现在为止，工作中，虽难免会做一些妥协的事，唯有唱歌，师父的话，我谨记在心。 　　　　

　　　　你说过，大树要在天空交接相会才有意思，那时你的意思是说，我还是颗小苗，别老依附着你，要我自己学着长大！嘿嘿，你总会有九十岁的时候，我也会有八十岁的时候，到那个时候，我不奢望我的树长的比其他人高，也不需要长的跟他人一般高，我只确定，我的树顶能遥遥见的着你的树顶就够了。 　　　　

A few observations:

1. 发现自己对"火龙果"这种水果几近痴狂。基本上达到了来一个吃一个来两个吃一双的地步。令人发指。

2. 目前估计是处于近几年最瘦的时刻。对镜而立基本站姿就可以清晰看见肋骨。后背更是轮廓分明。只是手臂勉强撑住了，基本上还可以算个初等丰满。可见体型这种东西真是没办法的。减手臂这件事情我还是放弃吧。

3. 现在自己基本丧失自理功能。全凭爸妈在这里了。唉。

4. 我很想念Tassajara。

Up up still up. 所谓假期就是不必要的念想。每晚是仍然无尽的黑夜，显示屏不眠伴我昏然睡去。不同的是爸妈都在身边。却连搭话的时间都没有，每次起身发狠要去同他们好好过些时间就电话响。就邮件亮。就信息来。就无法分身。每每还要打电话给假期中的合作伙伴，一咬牙一狠心软硬兼施要人家加班办事。本来很讨厌对个人时间的践踏。这下好了，不但自己完全没有，还要帮凶侵略别人的。心下很烦。

晚饭前烦透了，叫爸妈一起出去散步走走。两位不安的问，真的啊？可以吗？我无言以对。下到小区，爹问，可往东边去大超市否？可是太远？我答：然。默然。遂三人同行于区边小路，不时而返。倦，昏睡沙发上，15分钟后惊醒，邮件一串。

如此这般。如此这般。Up up day day up. Forever for never.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQox9W9jedw

春分，秋分。

大张旗鼓的分，小心翼翼的分。万分理智的分，万分痛苦的分。绞着手弓着背满心忧伤的分。

颤颤悠悠的分，毅然决然的分。

分得心灰意冷。距离万岁，杀百儆百。意兴索然。

Merrill sold; Lehman filed; what else is yet out there to shock me.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/12/business/12lehman.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin September 12, 2008 As Options Fade, Lehman Is Said to Seek a Buyer By JENNY ANDERSON, ANDREW ROSS SORKIN and BEN WHITE This article was reported by Jenny Anderson, Andrew Ross Sorkin and Ben White and written by Mr. White. A day after Lehman Brothers sought to assure Wall Street that it could survive on its own, the beleaguered investment bank, urged on by federal officials, bowed to mounting pressure on Thursday and put itself up for sale. As confidence in Lehman continued to drain away on Thursday, the bank, one of the oldest names on Wall Street, reached out to several potential buyers, including Bank of America and Barclays, the big British bank, according to people briefed on the negotiations. Lehman hopes to strike a deal within days. In each case, the suitors are seeking help from the Federal Reserve to help make an acquisition palatable. They want the Fed to guarantee a part of Lehman’s troubled assets, these people said, similar to the way it backstopped the emergency sale of another foundering bank, Bear Stearns, in March. But while the Treasury Department and Fed were working to broker an orderly sale of Lehman, it was unclear whether the Fed would stand behind any deal, particularly after the Bush administration took control of the nation’s two largest mortgage finance companies only days ago. The test will come if potential buyers balk at a purchase without the Fed’s backing. If that were to happen, federal officials would be left to evaluate what risks a sudden collapse of Lehman might pose to the broader financial system. The rapid decline of Lehman underscores that investors remain unnerved, with rumors about an institution’s problems quickly becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, as other banks seek to distance themselves to limit their financial exposure. Even so, while Lehman’s share price fell $3.03 on Thursday to $4.22, leaving it down nearly 94 percent this year, the shares of other financial companies, including the big thrift Washington Mutual, stabilized after days of losses. Lehman has few options. Its stock’s relentless decline has convinced Richard S. Fuld Jr., Lehman’s hard-charging chief executive, that the time has come to let go. “He’s shell-shocked, but he knows he has to sell,” said one person who recently spoke to Mr. Fuld. Lehman, which employs nearly 25,000 people around the world, tried to convince investors on Wednesday that it could survive on its own by selling divisions and spinning off commercial real estate assets, but its stock continued to decline. Any buyer would almost certainly cut thousands of jobs as it absorbed Lehman’s operations, which include a valuable money management division. Bank of America is still trying to integrate its purchase of Countrywide, the giant home mortgage lender, but has long considered buying a New York-based investment bank. Barclays has long insisted that it planned to build out its own investment banking presence in the United States, but Lehman’s price may prove too cheap to resist, people close to the matter said. Spokespeople for Lehman, Barclays and Bank of America all declined to comment. Other bidders could include private equity groups such as Kohlberg, Kravis, Roberts & Company, which was already planning to bid for Lehman’s investment management division. However, the Federal Reserve is thought to prefer that Lehman be bought by a publicly traded bank with a more stable capital base. Potential suitors for Lehman’s investment management division have discussed securing financing for a deal with Bank of America, JPMorgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, Credit Suisse and others, people involved in the process said. Should Lehman be sold by the weekend, it would complete a slow-burn collapse that began when the credit crisis began to take hold in summer 2007. Lehman, whose roots date to its founding as an Alabama cotton exchange in the 1850s, got into trouble by expanding aggressively into the financing of real estate, including subprime mortgages. In 2006, Lehman was the top underwriter of subprime mortgage securities with an 11 percent market share, according to Inside Mortgage Finance. When the mortgage crisis first flared, many Lehman executives, and others on Wall Street, believed the crisis would be short-lived. Mr. Fuld was characteristically defiant. “Do we have some stuff on the books that would be tough to get rid of? Yes,” he said last summer. “Is it going to kill us? Of course not.” As the year came to a close, Lehman still looked as if it had dodged the bullet. While other many Wall Street firms and commercial banks reported huge write-downs and losses last year, Lehman reported $4.1 billion in profits. The board awarded Mr. Fuld a compensation package of more than $40 million. To some, however, Lehman’s results were ominous. The bank reported gross write-downs of $3.5 billion — $2.2 billion in residential mortgages and $1.3 billion in commercial mortgages. A further deterioration in the market would have left Lehman dangerously exposed. And yet in February, the market still had faith that Lehman was more a winner than a casualty of the credit debacle. Its stock hovered around $66. But in March, the shock over Bear’s rapid unwinding took its toll on Lehman, a powerful Wall Street institution but the smallest player after Bear. The stock went into free fall and the cost of buying protection against the default of its bonds soared. Lehman went on the offensive, announcing that it would raise equity. Its stock soared 18 percent, but the respite was short-lived, In late May, a well-respected hedge fund manager, David Einhorn, made a case to an auditorium packed with other investors that Lehman was not marking its books accurately. From mid-May to mid-June, the stock lost almost half its value. In late May, a team of executives led by Thomas Russo flew to Asia to meet with Korean investors. But almost immediately it was clear the Koreans would need more time than Lehman had to offer, and that the two sides were far apart on price. Management shifted to Plan B, raising money closer to home. One executive, Larry Wieseneck, global head of finance, ended a trip to return and help raise $6 billion from investors including the New Jersey state pension fund. But the turmoil at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and the continued deterioration in the housing market put further pressure on Lehman through the summer as it made the bank’s own real estate holdings less valuable. Analysts began to fear an even larger third-quarter loss for Lehman, which the bank disclosed on Wednesday with its poorly received strategic plan to remain independent. For Mr. Fuld, the moment of truth came when credit ratings agencies downgraded their assessments this week. Moody’s said that if Lehman did not find a strategic buyer in the “near term,” the agency would downgrade the investment bank, making it difficult for some institutions to do business with the firm. “That’s when BlackBerrys started buzzing,” said one Wall Street banker. “It was clear Lehman would have to be sold.” --------- http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/12/business/12employees.html 典当点家当已经不行了，真的沦落到了要卖身的地步了么。。

我一直认为我的镜头是羞涩的，温情脉脉的，对它眼前的事物怀着朦胧的爱怜。在我和被摄者之间的这个至关重要的关卡，给予我无限的安全感。Diane Arbus曾经表示过相似的观点，认为如果没有她胸前那枚35mm,她便形同赤裸--而我的赤裸感却是在抱着相机出现在人前的时候最为强烈。相机这个物件本身带有极强的侵略性质，对我而言这种侵略性质太过招摇，因此我时常担心我的拍摄对象感觉到不适 - 但更经常发生的是取景器这端的我由于这层顾忌而比对面的人更加尴尬。

所以我喜欢拍摄孩子 - 他她们幼小单纯，无限美好，每个镜头都拥有动人的美。几乎是没有不美的孩子的。

然而大人呢。稍微触及内心，我就不安的止步。我的镜头温和，不痛不痒，对于不美的尖锐的真实都一笔带过。在我自己没有想好如何正面面对之前，我无法说服手中的那位。

却欣赏别人手中的尖刻。

推荐沈玮。上海的同学有福了。

  -- Calling for attention: stock prices fell 88% YTD & 45% since Monday, industry outlook negative. Stocks fell to $6.36 from $7.79 on Tues after talks with KDB ended.

So people are panicing cuz the stocks went down. Oh wait a minute, shouldn't people's panic send the stock prices down?

先有鸡还是先有蛋啊？

"Of course, there's lots of speculation about what may or may not be going on -- but substantially all of it seems to be driven by the share price, rather than the other way around. " (Seeking Alpha)

恩，先有鸡蛋。

--Sell or Not Sell is not the question; but to WHO?

KDB is now backing out, citing "It should take a cautious approach toward taking over Lehman, at a time when its privatization is not accomplished, and given the current conditions in domestic and foreign financial markets,” said Jun Kwang Woo, chairman of the Financial Services Commission....The focus now should be on stabilizing the Korean markets...[it would be an] inappropriate for a state-owned company to pursue such an acquisition at this time" (NYT)

Let's take a look at what's on the table for sale again: the asset management business; [commercial and residential] real estate assets.

And let's look at the seller's strategy: "...Richard Bove, an analyst at Ladenburg Thalmann & Co., wrote in a report today. The bank ``refuses to take what it believes are fire-sale prices for its key assets,'' he said. " (Bberg)

真是的，卖东西怎么能这样呢。唉。

"“He [Richard S. Fuld Jr., Lehman’s hard-charging chief executive] is dealing as if he has a whole deck of cards, when he has none,” said one banker who has had recent dealings with Lehman, representing a potential foreign buyer." (NYT)

-- Unlike Bear, LEH now has its peers behind him - 大家可能经过BS都学乖了

"`Goldman Sachs is a willing counterparty to Lehman Brothers across all our businesses,'' said Michael DuVally, a spokesman for Goldman. Spokespeople for Morgan Stanley and Merrill said their firms continue to trade with Lehman.

Citigroup Inc., the biggest U.S. bank by assets, UBS AG and Credit Suisse Group AG, the two largest Swiss banks, and BlackRock Inc., the biggest publicly traded U.S. fund manager, said they too continue to do business as usual with the firm." (Bberg)

--WSJ 这句说的好心酸啊。。。"Lehman has survived for 157 years, through wars, the Depression and the vagaries of the markets, but got into trouble by buying and financing commercial and residential real estate, including subprime mortgages."
-- Pure gossip: "Dealbreaker's John Carney tells me he heard that the selling in Lehman was driven by Barclays (BCS) and Alliance Bernstein (AC) selling shares in bulk, maybe after they lost a huge amount of money on Frannie (FNM)(FRE)." (SeekingAlpha)
唉,大家都不容易啊。蝴蝶效应，牵一发而动全身之类，不用再说了吧。

--!!!!! Another huge gossip: GS might buy LEH???? - in whole, in parts, what, when, where, how, huh??

-- No conclusion yet about what's going to happen. Or if anything?

--for those who are interested:  LEH call is tonight Beijing time @ 730
http://investor.shareholder.com/lehman/events.cfm

btw: reading links:
http://seekingalpha.com/article/94694-watching-the-lehman-fireworks
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601103&sid=aafiDCsx91HU&refer=us
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/10/business/10place.html?pagewanted=1&hp
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122096527557014629.html?mod=hpp_us_whats_news

Jesus what happened since I've been away in the woods??!

I need to catch up on what happened...

爸爸来了，中午到的。剪了个磨灭棱角的头，带了一个随身包，一个小皮箱，和一小箱荞酥。包里带了本阳明，皮箱里塞了辣子鸡，还有香辣菜。

我乐坏了，家里来探我了，还带来了吃的，头一回啊。小时候在家读书，都不住校(除了高一下那会), 距离太近，没这福利；大学又跑得太远，国际邮费太贵，而且路上时间太长（大一时给我寄的毛衣春天才收到），也不成。所以每次大学里别人家寄了包裹来，我都厚颜无耻的跑过去分吃，化艳羡为行动。现如今，我也有属于自己的一大锅家带辣子鸡啦！啊哈哈，让我先仰天长笑一下。

来了之后爸爸就对我的住房展开了侦查。面积不错，采光还行，咦怎么垃圾不倒呢（还没找到垃圾站在哪儿)，还挺乱的哈（包都没拆完呢)，厨房瓷砖怎么掉了几块（人家说马上来修)。我赶紧的给爸洗了个杯子倒了点矿泉水(饮水机周六装)，然后踩回高跟跑回去上班了。出门前嘱咐爹爹，别乱跑啊，钥匙带好。爹笑，啊，我等会就出去买个西瓜。(冰箱还没擦呢！姑且先用着吧)

下午4点老爸来电:" 家里有砧板吗？"

我: "有，在炉子后面(以为他要切西瓜)"

爸: "啊，那我就不买了。刀有吗？我在家乐福，给你买点用得上的。"

我(汗）:"有刀，你不用给我买什。。"

爸:"筷子有吗？"

我:"有，一双。。。"

爸:"-_- 那我给你买点吧。再给你买点保鲜盒子什么的，拖布什么的。"

我:"不用了爸！我自己去就行了，你别买了。"

爸:"...你看你那个家，连个拖布都没有。。。(不理我说了啥。。)..."

中午在家抢吃两口辣子鸡的时候，我那个爹，就已经东一下西一下的在把我桌上不要的包装盒纸片什么的拈来丢了，团成一团，找个塑料袋，装了扎起来。

我那个爹，在我的印象里，在家里可是吃完饭连碗都不收的。

我也很惭愧。我爹说，你看你这地方多么荒芜，哪像个小白领住的地方。

搬家两星期，在家里开的第一顿也是唯一一顿伙（不算肉夹馍)的话，是方便面。跟爹八卦的时候，又被爹批评，哎， 你看你你看你。

实在是忙忙忙，家里收拾得最完整的地方就是床。还是昨天晚上才去买的一个枕头。哎，这个年代的女墙人，还真不是好做的。

不过想想，相比之旧社会，我算是不错了。那时候的女墙人，据说生个八个，都还有竞争危机呢。

（一）培训
...

靠谱，非常靠谱。

一想到那些从我电脑里断续传出的声音的主人，也在每个早晨在这个城市的某条地铁内汗流浃背，也在某处写下寓意不明的文字对这个城市藕断丝连，也在某月某日某点到某个酒吧简直与我不谋而合-他她们会是去演出，而我会是去看他她们演出-我就不顾我徒长的年岁全身起了了少女追星族般的鸡皮疙瘩。

嗯，靠谱，非常靠谱。

电闪雷鸣，北京居然下起了大雨。我办公室里的两扇大窗子刮满了水痕。

新婆家真不是好混的。今夜又无人入睡。每次打电话给妈妈，对话总是这样开头：

“回家了么？还是还在办公室呢？”
“嗯。办公室呢。”

啥也不说了。脑子没电了。干活去了。